Dr. Sheck
My fiancé and I have been together for almost two years and are getting married in another three months. We love each other and have so much in common. However, he is Jewish and I am Catholic. Neither of us is that big in practicing our faiths. However, we need to decide how to raise our children. I don’t want this to be the "deal breaker" down the road in our marriage. How can we resolve this?
                                                             C.J.
Dear C.J.,
Interfaith marriages do present their unique set of challenges to the couple and the family. It is a situation where clarity and communication are essential. And it is really wise of you to want to at least begin discussion about this with your fiancé prior to the marriage.

In any marriage, you must be sensitive to and considerate of your spouse’s feelings and belief. If you are unable to accommodate to differences between you, the marriage will suffer. And this certainly includes differences in religious or spiritual beliefs.

Of course, how critical these differences will be depends upon the religious conviction each of the spouses holds. If the major decisions you make in your marriage have little to do with your religious beliefs, than your marriage won’t be very much affected.

If one or both of you has strong beliefs, however, than these beliefs play a large role in the decisions you make in your life, in your values and practices, and how you live your life. And if you are choosing to marry, than I would imagine that each of you already appreciates and values the other and the way they live their life, their values, their morals.

So, regarding your marriage and raising your children, here are my conclusions from therapy sessions with a number of interfaith couples. First of all, if you are both "lukewarm" in your religious practices, you might want to consider one of you converting to the religion of the other. Discuss it logically, rationally, and see if one of you can convince the other of the benefits of conversion. If this option makes sense, than the child-rearing concern is taken care of.

If you are both attached to your particular faiths, you will need to negotiate. I would suggest that you begin with an attitude of openness, acceptance and love. You are only talking now, no decisions are being made. Each of you take turns making suggestions on how you would like to raise you children, how you would like to expose them to your respective religions.

Consider how you were introduced to your religion by your family. Was it effective? Did you embrace the choice or was it forced upon you? Did you rebel? How did you eventually decide upon your own spiritual beliefs and how strongly did you integrate them into your life?

Remember, despite what you want for your children, they will eventually need to make their own choices in the world, and find their own path. This is especially true about the role of religion and spirituality in their lives. Determine ahead of time how you would like your children to be exposed to your respective religions (or even other religions as well). Eventually, they will choose what path is best for them. Give them that space!

As parents, we can point our children in the direction we would like them to go, we can expose them to many different options. Ultimately, it is how we live our lives, how we treat our family members, our friends, strangers, and ourselves, which will guide our children! Our lives are their models, not our words.

If this task is too difficult for you to negotiate yourselves, consider the support of a spiritual advisor or a psychotherapist. If you need a referral, please Ask Dr. Sheck!