Dr. Sheck
My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and he just asked me to move in with him. I am 29 and he is 33. He loves me and says he wants to marry me. However, he was married once before and he says he just wants to “make sure” that we are really compatible first, by living together. I really love him and want our relationship to work. And yet, I’m not sure that this is the right thing for me. What should I do?
-Indecisive

Dear Indecisive,
This is a personal decision, one that you definitely need to struggle with, to come up with the answer that is best for you. I can certainly give you some “facts” and statistics about co-habitation versus marriage. And I’m also happy to provide you with some guiding questions that might help you find the clarity you need.

This is not about morality, value judgments, or religious beliefs. It is about commitment. So, the really critical question I would ask you is, what is your commitment in this relationship? The commitment of “living together” is much different than the commitment of marriage.

The commitment of “living together” is generally really not that much about commitment. It’s about, “let’s see if we can get along together before we make a commitment.” Some refer to it as a “trial marriage.” It really is a much different commitment than marriage for the majority of people.

Marriage is about making the commitment to building a life with this person, whether you like them every day or not, whether they are in a good mood every day or not, whether they meet your needs every day or not.

It is about seeing the “big picture,” about remembering why you are together for the long haul, even when the day-to-day ride is bumpy. It is about what you give to the relationship, much more than about what you receive. It is about working through the problems that come up, because you remember that you made a commitment.

And honestly, nothing can prepare you for the commitment of marriage, for the commitment to the long haul, to “forever,” whatever forever means in this world. The concept of the “trial marriage” is statistically proven to be a poor indicator of marriage success.

The majority of cohabitators either breakup or marry within two years. The risk of divorce after living together is 40 to 85% higher than the risk of divorce after not living together. Those who live together before marriage are almost twice as likely to divorce than those who did not live together.

Why is this? There are many theories about it. Personally, I feel there are a few pieces to it. First of all, most of us are not perfect, we have some flaws, we have fears, we have parts of ourselves we hide from the world, parts we are not proud of, that cause us some amount of shame. We have vary degrees of doubt as to our self-worth, our desirability, our “love-ability.” This may be conscious or unconscious.

And often, these deeper issues don’t come up in a living together situation, or if they do, not as strongly as when the commitment to marriage is made. Only then might our psyches feel safe enough to let down our guard, lower our defenses and let our “dark side” come out fully. And often, only then is our partner prepared to face and accept this side of us, without turning and running in the other direction. This is where a strong commitment is needed.

The second piece, I think is the fact that we as humans are truly creatures of habit. And when we live together with someone, we develop certain habits of relating. Certain habits of communicating, certain habits of being. Often, we develop habits of “me” and “you” and “mine” and “yours.” And we develop habits of “my way.” And we develop habits of “I’m right and you’re wrong” and “it’s your fault.” And those are really difficult to change, once we marry and commit to “forever.”

Conversely (and ideally), when we make the commitment to marriage without the habits of living together, we build up habits of “us,” of “the partnership,” of “together forever” and we might work a little harder to sustain these habits. We might look more to ourselves and what we are doing to make our situation better or worse and take some responsibility for it. Each day is spent building this foundation, so that when challenging times come, as they will, we are prepared to meet them from strength, from partnership.

The final piece, which may speak more to the statistics, is that perhaps a percentage of the people who choose to live together, do so, because they are not prepared or capable of making a stronger commitment like that of marriage.

So, “Indecisive,” the ball is in your court. It’s not good or bad to decide to live together or to decide to get married. It is an important decision though. If it becomes too difficult to reach a choice that is consistent with what you want, you might want to consider seeking support from a counselor or therapist.