Dr. Sheck,
My husband and I have been married for three years and we constantly fight about money! I’m afraid that this issue will be the end of an otherwise happy marriage. We still have separate bank accounts. He earns more than I do, and because of this, he feels that he should have more say in how the money is spent. I disagree. I feel that we are partners and should have equal say. We’ve gotten into very loud arguments about this and nothing has been resolved. What can we do?
                                                            BF

Dear BF,
In my experience as a psychologist, rarely is "money" the main issue in a relationship. If you are honest with yourself, I would guess that you might find some other issues as well. My hypothesis, after many years of working with couples, is that the money issue is merely a "symptom" of a deeper issue in the relationship, perhaps an issue of control ("I make more money, so I'm more important."). And that underlying this, might be a fear of true commitment, a fear of deep trust and intimacy for both of you.

Why is it that you still have separate bank accounts? If you can’t trust each other with money, how can you possibly trust each other with your deepest feelings and thoughts? How can you truly be intimate? What else in your marriage is "separate" besides the bank accounts? How do you make the big decisions in your family? Or even the little ones?

If you’d like a "band-aid" for dealing with finances, here is the system that makes the most sense to me. Put all of the money earned by each of you into one joint account (one for savings, one for checking/bill-paying). For ongoing bills (utilities, mortgage/rent, etc.), just pay them. For every other expense or purchase, decide that you both must agree on the purchase, or it won’t happen.

In addition, each of you will have a separate account as well, which consists of equal amount for each of you each month. Perhaps you each will receive five percent of the earned income each month, to spend as you will. You decide on the percentage based upon your finances.

However, as I’ve said, this system is only a "band-aid." I doubt that you would even be able to implement and sustain it for very long, before the deeper issues surface. I suggest that you and your husband begin to be more honest about your relationship with each other, and about each other’s feelings. Begin to share your vision of what you’d like your marriage to be.

If this is difficult, perhaps the services of a good marriage counselor or psychotherapist would be helpful. I would be happy to recommend several good therapists in your area if you’d like.