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Learn To Feel Good (SM) Newsletter
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Issue 18, August 2002
Editor: M. Adam Sheck, Psy.D., drsheck@learntofeelgood.com
http://www.learntofeelgood.com
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In This Issue
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1. Quotations for the Month
2. Welcome from Dr. Sheck!
3. The Perils of Perfectionism
4. Ask Dr. Sheck: Sharing Household Responsibilities
5. The Circle: Health From The Ages
6. Who is Dr. Sheck?
7. Classified Ads
8. Subscription Management
9. Contact Information
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1. Quotations for the Month
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“Perfection is finally attained not when there is no longer
anything to add, but when there is no longer anything to
take away.”
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery
“This is the very perfection of a man, to find out his own
imperfection.”
Saint Augustine (354 AD - 430 AD)
“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to be continually
fearing you will make one.”
Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)
“Mistakes are the portals of discovery.”
James Joyce
“Learn all you can from the mistakes of others. You won't
have time to make them all yourself.”
Alfred Sheinwold
“Show us a man who never makes a mistake and we will
show you a man who never makes anything.”
H. L. Wayland
“When we make mistakes they call it evil. When God makes
mistakes they call it Nature!”
Jack Nicholson's character in The Witches of Eastwick
“If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes,
only sooner.”
Tallulah Bankhead (1903 - 1968)
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2. Welcome from Dr. Sheck!
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Welcome to the Eighteenth issue of the Learn To Feel Good (SM)
Newsletter! Summer is just about over and school is getting ready
to begin (for you parents, students and teachers). It’s been a great
summer for me, very restorative, very peaceful.
In fact it has been so peaceful, that I’m really behind in writing
this Newsletter! I usually find some event or incident in my life
which inspires me to write the Learn To Feel Good Newsletter.
This month, I’ve really been struggling to find a topic.
And I finally did arrive at one! The theme of this month’s
newsletter is Perfectionism and it’s twin, Mistakes and how
we survive both of them in our lives. And perhaps we’ll include
a little Forgiveness as well.
If you find this month’s Newsletter topic stimulating, you
might enjoy my “Learn To Feel Good” email course. It is a
six week email course which will provide you with a Systematic
Approach To Having The Life You Want! It is regularly a $50
course, but for LTFG Newsletter Subscribers, the tuition has
been reduced to $25! You may learn more at the link below:
http://www.learntofeelgood.com/fgonlinews1.html
Enjoy this Newsletter, enjoy your Life and enjoy your Perfection!
-M. Adam Sheck, Psy.D.
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3. The Perils of Perfectionism
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How many times has Perfectionism prevented you from having
the life you desire? I’m not talking about the fear of failure
here, I’m talking about Perfectionism, which is even more
insidious.
Perfectionism says, “I won’t do it unless I can do it perfectly.
In fact, I won’t even start unless I know I can do it.”
Perfectionism says “I don’t want to look bad, I don’t want to
look ‘less than’, I don’t want to feel inferior.”
Perfectionism says, “I don’t want to make a mistake. If I do,
it will undo everything positive I have done in my life. One
wrong will invalidate one hundred good things.”
We are all so afraid of being less than perfect, less than who
we are. And we sometimes allow that fear to paralyze us, to
prevent us from taking chances, risking, stretching ourselves
and growing.
We are so afraid that someone will judge us as lacking, as
being imperfect. As if someone else’s judgments could hurt
us more than our own judgments do. We are so concerned
with appearances and circumstances and how we are perceived.
And this fear feeds on itself, sustains itself, and further
entrenches us into our existing patterns of being. And it
becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Making good decisions comes from experience. Experience
comes from learning from one’s mistakes. Mistakes come
from “bad” decisions. It’s a loop. And we drive ourselves
“loopy” wanting to get things done perfectly.
We are often so unwilling to make mistakes. I heard someone
refer to them once as “mis-takes.” I live in Southern California,
home to Hollywood, which has certainly propagated certain
myths about Perfection.
And yet, in Hollywood, when you make a “mis-take” in filming
a scene, you have the chance to do it again. And again. And
again. Until it is exactly as the director wishes it to be.
In fact, the director will often do as many “takes” as necessary
to meet his vision! So why do we beat ourselves up so much
when we need to “re-take” an event in our lives? Why can’t we
keep with our practices, until we are meeting our Vision?
What is so challenging to our egos, that we find it difficult to
say to someone, “You know, I was angry, I didn’t mean to say
what I said. I apologize, it was a ‘mis-take’, let’s start our
interaction again.”
We CAN learn from our experiences. We CAN improve our lives.
We don’t have to hold our perceived “wrongs” against ourselves
for the rest of our lives. In fact, we don’t have to hold the
perceived wrongs of others against ourselves for the rest of
our lives, either.
This is what the gift of Forgiveness was created for. So that we
can move forward in our lives and not need to replay the past
over and over. And over.
In the animal kingdom, an animal makes a “mistake” and there
is an immediate consequence. If it survives this, it moves on in
its life. It doesn’t ruminate and think about it over and over. It
doesn’t beat itself up over and over. It moves on.
We have the gift of Consciousness. We, too, can move on in our
lives. If we can make that Conscious Choice and receive the
Support we need in doing so. And the next Conscious Choice.
And the next. It’s not always easy, yet it is always rewarding to
live this way.
We don’t need to allow our fears, our Perfectionism to paralyze
us. It’s okay to make mistakes. We are already “perfect” in our
own, unique, individualized ways. We were created from
Perfection and have only to remember and continue to
remember the truth of who we are.
So, what are you waiting for? Take a chance, take a risk, be
willing to make a Mistake. And be willing to be Perfect.
Peace and Blessings,
M. Adam Sheck, Psy.D.
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4. Ask Dr. Sheck: Sharing Household Responsibilities
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Dr. Sheck
Both my husband and I are students and part-time workers.
We are both very busy people. My husband works much more
than the 15 hours each week that he is paid for. I take care of
the household chores and cooking. We are expecting our first
child in April. I am exhausted by day’s end, but don't get much
opportunity to rest.
When the baby comes, he says he will help around the house.
However, he has been saying that for the 8 years we've been
married. I'm worried that I can't handle all of this myself. How
can I help him see that I really need help?
HB
Dear HB
With the great increase of dual-career marriages, the division
of domestic responsibilities has become a major source of
marital conflict. There seems to be an increasing consciousness
in our society that the husband and wife should share the
household responsibilities more evenly. However, behavioral
change in the family is not consistent with this belief.
Wives are still assuming the bulk of the household and child
care responsibilities, whether they are employed or not. Men
in dual-career families on average still perform only half as
much child care and housework as their working wives. The
husbands and wives both collude in continuing this trend.
Men are just not that motivated to assume these responsibilities.
Whether this is genetic (from caveman days of the hunt) or
environmental (what society "teaches" us) is irrelevant. The
question is, what to do about it.
Tracking the pattern is a good start. Generally, marriages begin
with some willingness on the part of both spouses to share
responsibilities. Did you and your husband wash dishes together
when first married? Or make the bed together? Was there a more
equitable division early on in the relationship? What changed?
What was your contribution to the change? Where was your
responsibility in accepting/tolerating it?
You are very correct in wanting to deal with this issue now,
before your child is born. Children have such great needs and
demands. The stress on the relationship will be greater than
ever, as the focus is on the newest addition.
Now is the time to determine and agree upon the new (and
existing tasks) and who will take care of them. Don’t wait
for someone to volunteer or it will be you! And being in an
exhausted, sleep-deprived state will not make you more open
to negotiation. Your resentment will increase even more.
The solution is for you and your spouse to really organize
yourself. A structured exercise I often have couples do in
my office is helpful for this.
First, each of you make a list of all of the household
responsibilities (including child care), and rate each task
by importance on a scale of one to five (one being "don’t
care," five being the "deal-breaker"). Next, share your list
with your spouse, and have them rank your list, also on a
scale of one to five.
Time to make one big list. Anything that you both rank as
a five, goes to the top of the list. Tasks of decreasing
importance go further down on the list. Finally, on the bottom,
goes the tasks that you disagree about (I say it’s a five, my
husband says it’s a one).
For you, HB, just having your husband see a list of perhaps
eighty or one hundred items will impress upon him that there
really is a lot to do, too much for you to accomplish without
his help. But, the exercise doesn’t stop with this awareness.
Now, it’s time to assign the tasks to each of you. First, whatever
tasks you’d like to do, that you enjoy doing, that give you
pleasure, give them to yourself. And, whatever tasks you rank
as a five, and that the other spouse ranks low, figure on taking
responsibility for those tasks as well. Those tasks remaining after
the above process, that you both feel are important, you can flip
a coin on, or alternate doing them.
Finally, you will have a list of tasks that nobody thinks are that
important or that nobody enjoys doing. Time for the two of
you to act your age! You’re going to be parents soon. That’s
what discipline is for, to do things you don’t want to do, because
you recognize that they need to be done anyway!
And try to be loving and creative in the process! After all, you
do love each other and are developing a family together, based
upon that love. If you need help remembering this, take a look
at your child once they are born. If you still can’t get into it,
seek professional help, a therapist or a spiritual advisor.
Good luck,
Dr. Adam Sheck
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5. The Circle: Health From The Ages
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2000 BCE --- Sick? Eat this Root.
1000 CE --- That Root is heathen, say this Prayer.
1850 CE --- That Prayer is superstition, drink this Potion.
1940 CE --- That Potion is snake oil, swallow this Pill.
1985 CE --- That Pill doesn’t work, take this Antibiotic.
2002 CE --- That Antibiotic doesn’t work anymore. Eat this Root.
-Submitted by Don Schmolder
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6. Who is Dr. Sheck?
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After decades of personal investigation on both traditional and
non-traditional paths, Dr. M. Adam Sheck entered the mental
health field. His doctorate is in Clinical Psychology. A bit on the
overeducated side, he also has degrees in Management and
Engineering.
He is a licensed Clinical Psychologist (California License
PSY15487) with a private psychotherapy practice in Redondo
Beach, California. He is a Professor in the Department of
Psychology at Ryokan College in Venice, California, teaching
graduate classes in psychology. In addition he supervises/
trains psychology interns at the Airport Marina Counseling
Center in Los Angeles, California.
Dr. Sheck’s approach to psychotherapy and healing has
evolved over time and combines the psychoanalytic approach
with the more spiritual and soul work of C.J. Jung and the
metaphysical teachings of the Science of Mind.
This psycho-spiritual method seems quite effective in working
with people who have experienced deep traumas and are
struggling to make sense of their lives. Dr. Sheck
treats patients one day per week for what they can afford,
his “community mental health” day.
Having a great deal of personal experience in career
transition issues (having created a number of businesses),
Dr. Sheck conducts business and career “coaching” both
face to face and by telephone. He is the creator of the
Learn To Feel Good (SM) seminar series which provides tools
for “systematically having the life you want.”
Dr. Sheck is past President of the Southern California
Association of Imago Relationship Therapists (SCAIRT). Imago
Relationship Therapy (IRT), created by Harville Hendrix
("Getting The Love You Want"), is a very successful form of
couples psychotherapy. Dr. Sheck finds it extremely satisfying
to support couples in working through their conflicts and
distress, and helping them to enhance their relationship.
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7. Classified Ads
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This issue of the Learn To Feel Good newsletter is sponsored by
Silverwork, which retails and wholesales incredible 925 sterling
silver jewelry from Taxco, India and Bali. Please take a look
at their beautiful website at: http://www.silverwork.org
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8. Subscription Management
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9. Contact Information
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Copyright 2002, M. Adam Sheck, Psy.D.
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