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Learn To Feel Good (SM) Newsletter
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Volume I, Issue 17, July 2002
Editor: M. Adam Sheck, Psy.D., drsheck@learntofeelgood.com
http://www.learntofeelgood.com
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In This Issue
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1. Quotations for the Month
2. Welcome from Dr. Sheck!
3. The Ultimate Freedom
4. Ask Dr. Sheck: Fear of Intimacy
5. Teaching Tales: Greatest Hitter In The World!
6. Who is Dr. Sheck?
7. Classified Ads
8. Subscription Management
9. Contact Information
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1. Quotations for the Month
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Everything that is really great and inspiring is created by the
individual who can labor in freedom.
- Albert Einstein
Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better.
- Albert Camus
Freedom is not worth having if it does not connote freedom
to err.
- Mahatma Gandhi
Freedom is not the right to live as we please, but the right
to find how we ought to live in order to fulfill our potential.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
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2. Welcome from Dr. Sheck!
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Welcome to the Seventeenth issue of the Learn To Feel Good (SM)
Newsletter! I can’t believe that I’ve been writing this Newsletter
For over a year and a half already!
In July, in America, we celebrate “Independence Day.” And to
me, the ultimate freedom we have, is the freedom to know
ourselves and to define ourselves. That is the theme of this
month’s newsletter.
One really important freedom is the freedom of expression.
And I am expanding one expression that I provide which is
the monthly Learn To Feel Good Community Teleconference.
My most popular website feature seems to be the “Ask Dr.
Sheck” service I provide. I have decided to change our free
monthly teleconference to a full one hour “Ask Dr. Sheck”
format.
During that time one hour time period, you may call into a
telephone conference call number and “Ask Dr. Sheck” about
whatever issues concern you in your life. There is no charge
for the service, although long-distance phone charges may
apply, as the telephone number will be a Los Angeles, California
one. I will email you with further details as I set up the next
call.
If you read my article this month on “The Ultimate Freedom”
and wish to have further tools to express freedom in your life,
consider my “Learn To Feel Good” email course. It is a six week
email course which will provide you with a Systematic Approach
To Having The Life You Want! It is regularly a $50 course, but
for LTFG Newsletter Subscribers, the tuition has been reduced
to $25! You may learn more at the link below:
http://www.learntofeelgood.com/fgonlinews1.html
Enjoy this Newsletter, enjoy the summer, and Live Free!
-M. Adam Sheck, Psy.D.
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3. The Ultimate Freedom
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“In the last analysis, our only freedom is the freedom to
discipline ourselves.”
- Bernard M. Baruch
To me, this quote by Baruch speaks to our ultimate and
perhaps only freedom, the freedom to “discipline” ourselves,
to discipline our thoughts and our reactions to the events of
life.
Our world seems to be getting more and more complex each
day. So much is happening, so much is changing. And so
little of it is under our control!
The truth is, that there is only one thing that we do have control
over in our lives, and that is how we choose to react to our
experiences. And that is probably only on our “good” days,
our more “sane” days!
Most people look as “discipline” as a dirty word, as a prison
sentence, as being forced to do what we don’t to do. And yet,
the opposite is really the truth!
Discipline allows us to have what we want, to structure our lives,
and the expression of our lives in the ways that we desire.
Discipline gives us freedom from being at the effect of our
emotions and those of others.
I’m not saying that it gives us “immunity” from emotions, I
wouldn’t want that. I’m saying that discipline allows us to
move forward in the greater picture of what we want in our
lives, regardless of the day to day challenges and setbacks.
So in today’s column, I will speak specifically on using Discipline
to achieve Freedom from being overly reactive to the actions of
others. This idea is actually a follow up to last month’s
newsletter discussion of the Shadow.
Let me ask you the following question. Do you find that certain
people in your life repeatedly seem to upset and annoy you? Do
you find that certain people really seem highly skilled at “pushing
your buttons” ? Do you find that some of these people are those
who may be really close to you or people that will probably be
in your life for a long, long time?
If you answered “no” feel free to move to the next section of this
newsletter. Otherwise, take a minute to really contemplate this,
the people and the areas of your life that you are highly reactive
to, that upset you or make you angry or make you fearful or make
you defensive.
In fact, if you’d like, you may make a list right now, with their
names and what really upsets you about your interactions with
these people. Go ahead, make the list, I’ll wait for you.
Again, my premise is not about changing anyone else in your life.
This is about you. My hypothesis (which you may have heard
before) is that what upsets us in others tends to be issues in our
own life
that we have not yet dealt with fully.
Have you ever noticed that when you are in the middle of a deep
funk, that perhaps everybody you know if in the middle of one?
Have you ever noticed that when you are really angry about
something that suddenly many of the people you run into are
angry as well?
This is what I’m talking about here. Now I’m not saying that
this occurs 100% of the time (that might be too extreme for
you), but let’s consider the possibility that it happens more
often than we’d care to admit.
Last month’s newsletter was about the Shadow, that unconscious
repository of the rejected, unconscious, repressed, undeveloped
and denied aspects of ourselves. Well, being that the Shadow IS
by definition pretty unconscious, so how do we bring it to light?
Looking at the Mirrors that others hold up to us of our lives is
one very powerful way! If I pay deep attention to everyone and
everything that upsets me, there is so much for me to learn
about myself.
If instead of Reacting to what upsets me, if I spend time looking
within myself, and struggle to understand what it is inside of me
that is reacting so strongly, I may have a very different experience.
If I discover what it is within me that is reacting, I might be able
to connect to some deep, inner need and attend to it. I might
not have control over an external circumstance, yet I might
have some say over my internal experience.
And in taking care of myself, and what I need in that moment,
I might be able to release myself from a part of my own inner
prison. I might be able to free myself from my past, from my
unconscious patterns. I might be able to be free.
We all recognize that much of our life seems to be controlled
by our unconscious patterns and beliefs. This consciousness
of looking within first is the first step to having freedom from
them, which is a true freedom.
It is a challenging path and many of us benefit from the support
of a mentor or a psychotherapist or a spiritual advisor or a
coach in progressing in this way. Seek the support you might
need.
I wish you the best on your road of Discovery, Release and
Freedom!
Peace and Blessings,
M. Adam Sheck, Psy.D.
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4. Ask Dr. Sheck: Fear of Intimacy
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Dear Dr. Sheck,
My boyfriend suddenly has gone cold on me. Before we met,
he was engaged and was very heart broken because he was in
love with her and she ended the relationship because of money
matters, saying that his job wasn’t good enough for her. Well,
that is totally not me.
After he opened up to me about this, he expressed that he is
scared that he can't love me with fully because he was so
scarred from this experience. We agreed that he is over his
ex but not over the situation and until he learns to totally trust
and love again, he won't be able to love me like he wants to.
We have agreed to take a little break to sort things out for
ourselves.
I guess my question is, what, if anything, can he or I do to
help him overcome his fear of being rejected and learn to
trust and love again? I want to help him and he wants to
be helped. We need some ideas.
Thanks,
Rejected
Dear Rejected,
The fear of intimacy, the fear of being hurt, is an issue we all
face to some degree. We have all had experiences of being
hurt or rejected and none of us really wish to repeat these
experiences.
My belief in working with couples is that “water seeks its own
level.” In other words, each comes into the relationship at a
similar state of openness and/or protection.
So, my thought is that while it certainly appears that this is
His issue, where might You have similar beliefs or concerns?
If you don’t have any similar beliefs, how did you happen to
be with a man that can’t fully love you? That might be a place
for you to do your own personal investigation.
In terms of trust and intimacy, these are issues which must
be solved within the context of a relationship. We can't learn
to trust again, or open up to love on our own, by ourselves.
We must learn these lessons with someone else.
Now, that "healing" relationship can be a friendship, a love
relationship, a relationship with a mentor or a spiritual advisor
or a psychotherapist. Or all of the above.
If you truly want to be together, I would suggest that you seek
professional support, either separately or as a couple. Taking
some time apart is fine, if you are both working on your own
issues. Time apart without dealing with your issues, is just –
time apart.
Good luck,
Dr. Adam Sheck
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5. Teaching Tales: Greatest Hitter In The World!
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A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted
through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting
a ball and bat.
"I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced. Then,
he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.
"Strike One!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball
and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"
He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he
swung again and missed.
"Strike Two!" he cried. The boy then paused a moment to
examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands
and rubbed them together.
He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the
greatest hitter in the world!" Again he tossed the ball
up in the air and swung at it.
He missed. "Strike Three!"
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest PITCHER in
the world!"
-Brandon White
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6. Who is Dr. Sheck?
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After decades of personal investigation on both traditional and
non-traditional paths, Dr. M. Adam Sheck entered the mental
health field. His doctorate is in Clinical Psychology. A bit on the
overeducated side, he also has degrees in Management and
Engineering.
He is a licensed Clinical Psychologist (California License
PSY15487) with a private psychotherapy practice in Redondo
Beach, California. He is a Professor in the Department of
Psychology at Ryokan College in Venice, California, teaching
graduate classes in psychology. In addition he supervises/
trains psychology interns at the Airport Marina Counseling
Center in Los Angeles, California.
Dr. Sheck’s approach to psychotherapy and healing has
evolved over time and combines the psychoanalytic approach
with the more spiritual and soul work of C.J. Jung and the
metaphysical teachings of the Science of Mind.
This psycho-spiritual method seems quite effective in working
with people who have experienced deep traumas and are
struggling to make sense of their lives. Dr. Sheck
treats patients one day per week for what they can afford,
his “community mental health” day.
Having a great deal of personal experience in career
transition issues (having created a number of businesses),
Dr. Sheck conducts business and career “coaching” both
face to face and by telephone. He is the creator of the
Learn To Feel Good (SM) seminar series which provides tools
for “systematically having the life you want.”
Dr. Sheck is past President of the Southern California
Association of Imago Relationship Therapists (SCAIRT). Imago
Relationship Therapy (IRT), created by Harville Hendrix
("Getting The Love You Want"), is a very successful form of
couples psychotherapy. Dr. Sheck finds it extremely satisfying
to support couples in working through their conflicts and
distress, and helping them to enhance their relationship.
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7. Classified Ads
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This issue of the Learn To Feel Good newsletter is sponsored by
Silverwork, which retails and wholesales incredible 925 sterling
silver jewelry from Taxco, India and Bali. Please take a look
at their beautiful website at: http://www.silverwork.org
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8. Subscription Management
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9. Contact Information
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Copyright 2002, M. Adam Sheck, Psy.D.
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