I desperately need your help. My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and dated for six months before that. It was a whirlwind courtship, full of excitement and romance and lust and love. We spent every free moment together.

Barely a month after the wedding, things changed. A dark cloud seemed to fall over my husband. He began to complain about his job non-stop. And then about me, nothing I did was ever good enough for him. And then we stopped having sex. He said he just wasn’t in the mood. Before, he could never keep his hands off of me.

And he began to sleep so much! He’d go to bed early in the evening, maybe nine o’clock and sleep in through most of the weekend. He doesn’t take care of himself anymore. He doesn’t eat much, shaves maybe every five or six days, wears the same wrinkled clothes day after day.

Dr. Sheck, I am absolutely miserable! What happened to the man I married? Is it something I did? What went wrong? How can I make him happy and restore the love to our marriage?
                                                                         L.L.
Dear L.L.,
First of all, you can’t make him happy! The truth is, you can only make yourself happy and share that happiness with others. Don’t fall into the trap of taking responsibility for how your husband feels! If you do, feel free to read one of the many, many, many books on codependence out there.

Second, your husband’s condition sounds very serious and you should do what you can to support him through this time. I would recommend that he have a physical exam immediately, to rule out the possibility that some medical condition is responsible for what is going on. You might not want to hear this, but it is also possible that your husband is involved with some kind of (prescription or illicit) drug use that is creating this condition. Find out.

Finally, your husband may very well be suffering from some kind of mood disorder. A good psychiatric consultation might also be in order. His current symptoms describe a number of possible depressive disorders. It is also possible that he is in the depressive part of a bipolar disorder (manic depressive) cycle. Perhaps when you first met and he was full of energy, he could have been on the manic part of the cycle.

I know that I’m suggesting some pretty intense possibilities for what is going on with your husband and that this could be frightening to consider. And you do need to consider them as possibilities to be examined. I’m not there in person, I can’t do more than suggest what might be.

So, try to get help for your husband. And, do something for yourself as well, you’re in a very stressful position. Consider joining some sort of support group, self-help group or consider individual psychotherapy. When your husband’s condition has been stabilized, the two of you are still going to need to do a great deal of work to build/rebuild your relationship and construct a solid foundation for your marriage.