Dr. Sheck,
My husband and I have been married for a year, second marriage for both of us. We each have two children from previous marriages (I have two girls, he has two boys), and they are all teenagers! My problem is that my husband and I have extremely different parenting styles. He is more of a disciplinarian and I have a more nurturing style of parenting. And it’s tearing us apart. I think he’s too rough on my kids, even more so than on his. And he feels like I let them all get away with murder. We both want this marriage to work. What can we do?
R.M.
R.M.,
Second marriages, especially with stepchildren (blended families) are very challenging and statistically have an even higher rate of divorce than first marriages (which is already over 50%). I don’t say that to scare you, but to put your situation in perspective.
There are so many complex dynamics that come into play here, that it is really difficult to respond to your dilemma without more detailed information. However, I can tell you, that the bond between you and your husband, the strength of the husband-wife connection will ultimately determine the success of this family.
After all, the reason that the six of you are together is because you two wanted to be together. Don’t forget that! You must make time for each other and to address each other’s emotional needs. A great deal of the pressure in a blended family comes from each spouse making the needs of their own children more important than the needs of the other spouse or their step-children. Of course, this is a natural response and I don’t want to argue philosophically about it.
To truly blend the family however, the needs of each family member must be seen as equally important. To a teenager, who she goes to the prom with is just as important as mom and dad figuring out how to pay the mortgage. This doesn’t mean that everyone is equal, just that their needs are equally important – to them! The adults must still face their adult responsibilities and the kids must continue to face their age-appropriate responsibilities as well. The family is not a democracy, but it is where the individual turns for support, advice, and nurturing.
Back to raising (and disciplining) children. Your parenting styles seem to be on opposite ends of the spectrum. Perhaps each of you is annoyed or irritated by the other’s style. Neither seems able to take their spouse’s feelings into account when parenting the kids. And the kids are getting mixed messages, conflicting rules.
One way of addressing this is for you and your husband to sit down and settle on the "family rules." Who is responsible for what in the family, what happens when they don’t meet their obligations, what happens when they do. You both must agree on these rules, or don’t make them rules! You both must agree to enforce them consistently or don’t make them rules! Be honest with each other. This is a process that may take some time. At first, you may agree on only one or two rules and consequences.
Once this is done, sit down with the kids and discuss these "rules," get their input, rewrite them a little bit if you feel it is appropriate. Remember though, it is not a democracy! You two are in charge. And kids actually are much happier, much more grounded when they know that their parents are actually in charge.
It is a very complex situation. Remember, your kids didn’t ask for this. And then, consider the additional conflict for them if there are joint custody arrangements with the other "natural" parents. Issues of family loyalty must certainly come up. "If I get close to step-dad, does that mean I’m betraying my ‘real’ dad?" And don’t forget, you are dealing with four adolescents at the same time! A very challenging time period with just one teenager, in the most ideal of situations.
I realize that my ideas are extreme oversimplifications, and there is no guarantee that they will be effective. You must start somewhere though. And, you must also try to be realistic. "Blending" a family takes time. Studies indicate families require a good three years to truly integrate the new situation. You’ve only had one year.
And if you have the resources, I would definitely suggest seeing a good couples therapist or a good family therapist. You need all of the support you can get to keep this family together. Please contact me if you require some referrals.